mark holland #1 - THE SECRET GUITARIST CONSPIRACY
By: Mark Holland
Ever been to a concert, watched one on television or are simply aware of the concept of live music? Have you ever noticed an unfamiliar figure hanging in the shadows, pointed away from the audience, solemnly plucking away at a less-shiny guitar than the others? Have you ever wondered what it all means?
I'll tell you what it means, you naïve yobs. These popular bands are not talented enough to play their own songs using only the musicians posing on the album cover, nor are they comfortable enough to admit that they have grown an extra member in some sort of jar. When a warm front meets a cold front, it rains or something. When Romulus met Remus (which was very early on - they were twin brothers) they built a city. And when acoustic necessity meets carefully-crafted public image, you get the SECRET GUITARIST CONSPIRACY, a phenomenon so terrifying that it has only ever been seen in capital letters.
The SECRET GUITARIST CONSPIRACY finds its roots back in the 1700s, when symphony orchestras would hide hunchback violinists at the back of the stage under a pile of coats. Time passed, until Kraftwerk took the bold decision to obscure every single member behind imposing synthesizers. Then, sadly, it all went annoying. When you listen to Trans-Europe Express, it is quite gratifying to think that an introverted German hid behind his keyboard when he recorded it, but the notion of Green Day or the Foo Fighters effectively denying* the source of the sound they are producing makes me feel a bit sick. If anything, they'd surely want to shift the blame.
If I was a reputable journalist, I would seek to find one of these poor, disregarded guitarists and interview him. Unfortunately, I am not, but if this was television I would imagine that he would be a shivering silhouette, sobbing as he admits that he only wants to be loved, and that the band's lead singer keeps nipping him and burning him with hair-straighteners. I would try to console him but would refuse to turn the camera off, causing him to lash out and flee in a fit of tears and plectrums. That would be the end of the interview, and the documentary would struggle from there on in.
This article is struggling, but I feel I have made my point. The SECRET GUITARIST CONSPIRACY is real, and it is wrong. And if Bravo ever make this into a documentary they owe me money, and a free DVD box set of When Animals Attack. If that exists.