Miles Kane - Colour Of The Trap (Columbia)
3/5
By: Matt Cole
Lightning bounced off the castle ramparts accompanied by thunder of a sound not unlike the pounding bass drum and splash cymbal of Slade’s Don Powell playing ‘Cum On Feel The Noise’.
Deep in the lab that commanded much of the castle dungeons, Professor Noddy Von Frankensweet stomped his rainbow striped platform boots in anticipation.
“Gallagher!!!” he howled above the noise of the storm and the imposing bank of tesla coils that formed a circle around the edge of the room. At its centre sat an operating table to which was strapped a vaguely human form, obscured by a sheet of white linen. All that could be seen of the thing beneath was the tip of a winkle picker boot.
“What ya want ya fooking poof” Snarled the gorilla like abomination that now swaggered clumsily out of the shadows. It was Gallagher, the Dr’s hideously antediluvian assistant.
Frankensweet threw his arms into the air as if beckoning to the gods themselves and commanded,
“Throw the switch!”
Intensifying arcs of blue electricity multiplied in the mirrors adorning his top hat as the mad Brummy professor shook his extravagantly lambchopped head and yelled,
“It’s chriiiiiiiiisssstmmaaaa....ahem... it’s allllliiiiiiiivvvvvveeeee”
From the operating table came a howl that resolved into a distinctly rock and roll clarion cry that sounded for all the world like someone had taken Alex Turner, Tom Meighan, Brian Connolly from The Sweet and the entire line up of The Bay City Rollers and rolled them into one, monstrous mecha-glam-pop-star.
“I’ve done it!” gloated the prancing Dr Noddy “I’ve taken Alex Turner, Tom Meighan, Brian Connolly from The Sweet and the entire line up of The Bay City Rollers and rolled them into one, monstrous mecha-glam-pop-star!”
Frantically Frankensweet freed his creation from its bonds and helped the shaggy haired construct to its snake skin booted feet.
Thrusting a Sunburst Stratocaster into his hands, the monster’s father bid him “Play, play my beautiful cash cow, show us what you’re made of!”
And as the surprisingly good looking amalgamation of every glam-rock, teenage dream cliche began to grind out pristine, guitar pop nuggets the shambling half man, Gallagher rocked back on his heels and snorted.
“It’s a bit fookin’ derivative innit?... Sounds like Oasis too... it’s alright actually.”
Satisfied with his work, Dr Noddy Frankensweet ripped the top off a pot noodle and declared.
“Who gives a shit if it’s derivative? It’s fun, you can dance to it, and the girls are gonna love him. AWLROIGHT!!!”
Miles Kane - Rearrange - Released 2nd May 2011 by Miles Kane
Artists in this article: Miles Kane
Your Feedback
Login to post your comment